Jumbled

A short story.
By Anabil Goswami

Eight minutes away the sun burns. Well eight minutes,30 seconds to be near exact. But still the tar melts, sinking the sound of the big wheels. The road seems as composed as ever as it untiringly serves the purpose it was built for and carries me to my destination. I close my eyes. Black. The radio swallows the sound of the engine. Somewhere a rahul is sad. The love of his life has left him. I switch him off. Green. The trees sway with the wind as it challenges the might of the sun. I see a dead tree. The unforgiving sun laughs as it burns the water out of it as if to pass a message. And yet it stands to tell the casual onlookers its story. A story thousands could have listened to but ignored. For me, maybe some other time. Beyond the trees the blue hills destroy the symmetry of the horizon. But all these will change once I reach my destination. The horizon will be even and calm when I reach the beaches of Goa.
Yes Sanjay. Goa. Ok. Tomorrow 10’o clock. Fine. I have had the exact same conversation with my coordinator for the last eight months ever since I took up the job.
“But I must warn you. You will hardly stay at the same place for more than a couple of days. Are you up to it?”
And did I think twice. No, I didn’t. And what a wonderful experience it had been for me. I have traveled across India. I have seen people hardly wearing anything in Mumbai. The desperate. And I have seen people hardly wearing anything in Orissa. They too desperate. I have visited Bhuj. The ruins of an earthquake. And I have visited Jaipur. The ruins of grandeur. I have met the likes of Salman Rushdie, Ian Anderson and Mike Powell. Escaping as I try to capture them through my lens. And I have met the netas of Patna. Not escaping from being captured through my lens but from the law. Yes the past eight months has been what I had anticipated it would be like. But maybe not. Goa will be my last assignment.
“when will you be back from Chandigarh?”
I am not in Chandigarh. I am in Jaipur. And it will be quite some time before I can apply for a leave.
“you never told me you were in Jaipur! You never tell me anything now a days.”
I reached an hour ago. I was about to call you up anyway. And I have been busy.
“Then what am I doing here waiting for you?”
well I have no answer for that. But …. Well why do I hate to hear the beeps more than her name flashing on my cell phone? Well back to work.
Intended to protect his queen maharaja Man Singh built the seesh mahal. Mirrors were placed all around the walls of her castle to create the illusion of the night sky as the king made love to his beloved queen. Perhaps it was built never to be captured, at least by my inexperienced hands.
“Why did you not call me back?”
I am working here. Do you know that mirrors in seesh mahal were imported from Belgium?
“So that’s more interesting than me? It’s ok. Go back to work. Call me when you are free.”
College days were over. I was trying to be what a professional was supposed to be like. But what about my responsibilities towards her? How can we survive the future without a present. I never blamed her. It was her own right to be angry with me. I never could understand what she wanted from me. I wonder if it was anything at all she wanted from me.
Hi! Its me. Will be moving for Bhuj tonight.
“For how long?”
Never know.
“Do you think about me?”
Of course I do. Why am I working so hard for?
“Then why don’t you come to me?”
Now don’t cry. Every thing will be just fine. Everything was not fine. My cell phone couldn’t connect to any network there. I was marooned. People there talked about their ancestors with pride and that was long before Aristotle taught Alexander about Achilles. Alexander never made it this far. Others did though. But without the pride that would have been on the face of the mighty sikander. Thousands surround me. But I still felt marooned.
How could you reach me? There is no connectivity here. Of course I care about you. Why else will I call you. Well forget all those silly things. Do you know that ………… beep.
Mumbai Central. Shot in the movies perhaps as many times as maybe the number of stars who made it this far before moving further than real life itself. One might wonder how many amitabhs there could be amidst the thousand nameless faces. But not all. The world is not that filmy for the fast moving mumbaites. No chaiwala will greet you as claimed by most travel writers. The ringing mobile phones trigger the race between the trains and a mans life. Often the trains play spoilsport as they leisurely take on the rails.
Hi! I am in Mumbai. Do you want me to pick something for you?
“Well, it would have been such a pleasure if you would have surprised me. You are so tactless.”
It was no surprise for me either. Sigmund Freud had prepared me for such a situation. But even my boy scout be prepared motto wouldn’t have made me prepared to face a woman. I don’t know about all woman but she certainly could surprise me.
“can I keep two boyfriends?”
Should I have laughed. But months of bitter argument had already killed my laughter. But when she too didn’t laugh I realized in which direction things were heading. But for all I cared about was the direction to Nasik where thousands of devotees will be coming for the Kumbh.
Devotees from the world over come to the kumbh mela in search of the unknown. In the unknown they somehow claimed to find solace. I went there for the definite. And I considered myself luckier. For me a person should always believe in the things he lives for. For me it is the money. The money I earn because I do things that help someone else earn his money. It is not because I love photography for anything else. I love photography because It helps me earn more money than anything else I could do. If I had to choose between keeping my job and keep traveling or staying with her, I would happily choose my job. I know what I want. I always knew. I needed her because she made me feel good. I gave her things because I liked them. I took her out because I liked her company. She said that she cared for me and that was why she stayed with me. She was there for me to make me feel good. Why would anybody do anything for others. She stayed with me because she could never realize what she wanted from me. And now she has realized that she needed something, and that I couldn’t give it to her. It was a shortcoming in me. it was not her fault. So should I be angry at her? Never for something true. It made me happy. She was realizing things, which was she was learning to accept the truth. You do not have to travel miles to Nasik to realize that. The lot of sentimental fools.
“why didn’t you call me for so long?”
I couldn’t tell her the truth. The truth was because I didn’t feel like. I thought she had the new guy to be with and so I could spend more time on my job. Moreover I felt it was a waste of money to call someone just to argue about things which had little or no importance in my life.
Hey I am coming back to Delhi.
“wow, when”
Be there for your birthday.
The journey from Ranchi was a terrible one. The train stopped at every station there was on the route. Only thing good on the train was that everybody was smoking. The smoke filled my hope. Will be back with my friends. Two weeks of leave. Might even visit my parents back home. But lots of money to waste on my friends. and her. What about her. She was a friend. And now she was someone else. I never realized when she ceased to become my best friend. Was I being mean. But I was only being me.
“10 o’clock my place”
Anxious. The Unknown force was driving me. I had to think. I couldn’t make myself go without knowing what I wanted. That way I will be lying to myself. Better lie to her.
Happy birthday dear. But I wouldn’t be able to make it there today. Beep.
Whatever it was. I couldn’t make myself think about it. And yeah I went back to work. And Sanjay had told me to come to Goa. Panaji was only an hour ahead. My last assignment only a day long, before I quit my job for the definite. I want to do business management.
In a few days or months, she will be admitting that she is going around with another guy. I will say its okay. I will be lying. But I will atleast know the definite. The fact that I will be lying. And then years later when I will be reading this story, I will realise that I made the exact decision that has proved right. Right because I knew what I wanted. For now the sun to protect me and the horizon to think beyond.